Sincerest apologies for my tardiness.

So last night began initiation for Alpha Phi Omega. It began with vote-in, where initiated members vote on each of the pledges on whether or not they would like to see that particular pledge initiated. I'm not gonna lie, I was a tad bit nervous. I missed ONE requirement, and tried to make up for it a little bit with other things, but I wasn't exactly sure how the rest of the chapter would feel about it.

At 8:56 p.m., I get a phone call from my big (Brook) and she says, "Congratulations, you have been voted to become initiated into Alpha Phi Omega! . . . (my heart stops racing) . . . Now what you need to do is meet at the duck pond at 10:15, and you need to be dressed in blue and gold. If you don't have blue, wear all gold, and if you don't have gold, wear all blue. Do not come any earlier than 10:15! I'll see you tonight and good luck! (click)" . . . Now continue my racing heart. I had absolutely no t-shirts that were blue and yellow that did not have Alpha Gamma Delta on it, and I felt that it would be inappropriate to wear my other Greek letters. BAHHHH!!!

I was having a near-panic attack and was about to cry when one of my Alpha Gam sisters saved my night and let me borrow a yellow shirt.

After vote-in is a BIG/little bonding sketchy time (won't go into full details, just know everything was super sketch, but then it also helped me bond more with two of my pledge brothers), and then we ended the night at IHOP.

I got back home around 1 a.m., and because of all the super sketch activities, I had adrenaline pumping through my system for about an hour. Needless to say, it was hard as hell to focus on studying when I got home. I calmed myself down enough to study for about an hour and a half, then got up in bed and CRASHED.

So if you have been reading my posts, you'll know that my stats test this morning was supposed to be the end of 8 straight weeks of testing. I failed and realized at lunch today that my last test is next week. Along with a term paper the following week. The good thing about the term paper is that it is only a rough draft that is due, so hopefully that won't be too difficult to accomplish. HOWEVER, that will make TEN weeks. TEN WEEKS PEOPLE! WHY?! bahhhh! Why can't senior year of college be like senior year of high school. Oh that's right, because everyone goes to high school but not everyone goes to college. The stats test today was by far the hardest test I've taken this semester. I just want a freaking C. I don't even care if I get a B or not anymore, just let me pass and get the eff outta there! (As you can tell, I'm slightly sleep deprived, therefore proper grammar and spelling is going out of the window.)

To all my random readers, read my friend's post here and let me know what you think about her question too! I was slightly appalled by her friend's statement. Are we always supposed to be searching? Or should we let things fall into place?

Before this year, before I ACTUALLY began to love EVERYTHING about myself, I wasn't searching. I thought I had found him. I thought everything that we had been through and everything that we had shared would help us come together again. I knew that I knew that I knew that he loved me as much as I did him. We had dated for 2-ish years, and still remained VERY close for 4.5-5 years after that. What changed? We both did. I grew up, he grew up on a different side of the country, we both experienced things that the other didn't understand because our paths were diverging so differently. When I realized that we actually DIDN'T love each other anymore, I cried. I think they were partly tears of sadness, and partly tears of relief. Sadness because we HAD shared so much, sadness because did we just cause each other to waste FIVE years of each others' lives? Only time will tell. Relief because it WAS a realization. A good realization (for the both of us!)

I do hate that now he thinks poorly of me, and has nothing nice to say to me, but one of these days we'll take every ill thought and comment back and remember that we can be civil. After all, our circles of friends run pretty close, and I still love his family. They are people who saved me, they just don't know it. In a way he saved me too. I'll never be able to thank him properly now, but in the off chance that anyone out there knows who this "he" is, cherish him. He could save you too.

I never would have known self-love without him catapulting a series of events that lead me to where I am today. And for that, Mr. R., I thank you.

That post totally got wayy deeper than I had intended, but reading Sam's blog almost always makes me think!

p.s. Thank a Veteran today America. Special thank you to my Uncle Ed, Jason, Wes, Kendrick, and the rest of C Co of the 489th EN BN that I've known almost my entire life. I love each and every one of you guys, and appreciate the sacrifices you all made in the 18+ months you were deployed!

I'll leave everyone with this, in your name, there is DEFINITELY healing.