Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I unfortunately can answer yes to the first question. I know, some of you may be thinking "Mal, you're only 23! What on earth has happened to you that was so bad you wanted to end your life? Don't you know there's so much more in life?"
And my answer is yes. Yes I understand now just how young I am. Just how amazing my life has been, and that really, nothing so bad has happened to me. Yes I know that life has so much to offer, and I cannot begin to express just how thankful I am that I know that now. But this has not always been the case.
When I first returned to my hometown, I was lost. My parents had just split up, I lost my best friends, I was no longer around my cousins Stephanie and JR (who actually kind of tormented me), and I no longer had gymnastics everyday after school. To me, that meant my life sucked.
Fast forward a couple years (okay like 5 years), and I thought I was in love with a boy named D***** and that he was my whole world. We would have children and of course our first son would become D***** the III. So dumb. Anyways, during this time I was starting to have problems with girls that I called my best friends. Throw in the fact that this boy told me I wasn't pretty and that if I was only half as pretty as my best friend ******, then maybe, MAYBE I'd one day get a boyfriend. Hello 13 year old emotions and hormones, nice to screw you up and scar you for a while.
On top of that, I was starting to hate my mother. I don't exactly know why, and that relationship mended during my high school years. I do remember not liking her for some reason. Ultimately she was the reason why I never tried to end everything, just because I knew that there was no way she would be able to pay for a funeral (I had a sick mind).
I never had a suicide attempt. I just thought about it a lot, and I wrote about it a lot in my diaries. I have since burned those diaries because that is something awful to go back and read. I know that part of my life, I don't want to read about it.
And that boy? We're kind of friends now. I say this because I told him about what he said to me and how that made me feel, and he's spent the past 4-5 years apologizing and trying to make up for it. But now he is engaged and I rarely hear from him. This isn't the first time it's happened, but I've learned to just let everything go.
After all, everyone knows that the happy girls are the prettiest girls, and I'm probably the happiest and most content with my life now than I have ever been. Does that mean I think I'm the hottest thing to walk the planet? Definitely not. But I know that on my own, and when people cut me down the way he did, I just write them off. I don't need their negativity.